Good Mothers Aren’t Found in a Bottle or a Breast

Image by World Bank Philippines via Flickr

So… read anything interesting lately?

All I can say is wow.  With one post, I had more readers in one day that I have in the nine months I’ve been doing this combined. Not bad for what was a rant/encouragement to my wife.

She and I spent most of last night reading everyone’s comments (even the ones I didn’t get to respond to until today) and marvelling over the nerve I apparently struck. 

At one point, my wife talked to me about looking down at our daughter in the hospital, listening to her hungry cry, knowing she was losing weight, and even knowing that was typical it still hurt.  Even last night, as she teared up just talking about it, I coud tell it still hurt.

And that brought it all home again.  I’d been just walking around in a daze when it came to this, stunned that one little post could suddenly pop up all over the place and that so many people had actually read it.

Seeing my wife like that reminded me why I wrote it in the first place.

See, as fathers we often forget how complex and emotional this whole process can be for mothers.  With both my daughters, I wanted my wife to nurse because I knew it was best and I knew she wanted to.  But when the difficulties set in (colic and severe reflux for our first daughter, no milk and latching problems for daughter #2), to me it was a simple decision.

For my wife?  Not so much.

First, there’s the guilt.  Breastfeeding is natural, it’s normal, it’s expected.  So when you can’t do it, well, you’re bound to feel a bit guilty, like you’re depriving your child of something.

As a dad who can’t go to Target without buying a toy for our eldest, I can relate (on a smaller scale) to the guilt that comes with the thought of depriving a child.

But for moms, it’s more than that.  At two years old, our first daughter Amelia was diagnosed with General Seizure Disorder — basically epilepsy.  There’s no diagnosed cause for her condition, it could be anything.  In the two years since, more than once, my wife has let slip that she carries around a certain amount of guilt for Amelia’s affliction.

It was, I know, one of the biggest reasons she wanted to breastfeed this time.  Because even though she knows bottle feeding didn’t give Amelia seizures, she doesn’t know it. 

Even last night, when baby Eliza started coughing and was extremely irritable, there was the guilt again.  feeding her tainted formula for the first three weeks of her life, changing to a new formula, not nursing – it was all right there.

Again, for me, switching formula has been easy, a no brainer.  But it’s easy for me to be practical about it, it’s easy for me to be removed from the emotion of it.  I’m not the one that was under so much pressure to meet this particular need for my child.

I know my wife has doubts about her abilities as a mother, even when she doesn’t always voice them.  I’m quite sure she’s not alone.  Many of the comments that were posted or emailed to me, or even tweeted, said something along the same lines:

Thank you.  Thank you for reminding me that I am a good mother.  Thank you for reminding me that there are those out there who support me and my choices.

When I sat down yesterday and wrote about the Similac recall and the breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding issues, I never thought of any of that.  I never thought that there would be other mothers out there, besides my wife, who might need to be reminded of that.

I can see both sides of the issue.  I can understand the lactivists and their desire to see every baby breastfed.  Obviously, I get why some women can’t do that and how they feel.

What I can’t understand is why anyone would think this is an issue of blame or scorn.

No woman should ever have to be reminded that she’s a good mother despite the fact that she can’t breastfeed.  Maybe some women feel like better mothers of feel closer or more bonded to their children because they can.  Good for them.  Really. 

But the idea that a bottle makes you a bad mother?  Or even makes you wonder if you are?

That’s something so dumb, I wouldn’t be surprised if a father thought of it first. 

It’s a crying shame that anyone has ever reinforced those ideas.  It’s downright criminal that anyone has ever been made to feel one second of guilt, shame, or anguish because of this.

So I guess I’ll say it again, since clearly it hasn’t been said enough.

Being a good mother isn’t about breasts or breastfeeding or breast milk.  It’s not about a bottle or formula.

It’s about feeding the child.  It’s about protecting them and keeping them safe and healthy, however you have to do it.

It’s about loving someone so much that even the thought that you might have done something to hurt them causes you pain.

Being a good mother is about those emotions that tie you and your child together, the kinds of ties that go beyond a physical link, whether’s that’s through a breast or simply carrying the child for nine months.

That’s why mothers of all kinds — adoptive, step, lesbian, or foster – can be good, even great moms.

What makes a good mother?  It’s not breasts.

It’s love. 

I guess we all need to be reminded of that once in a while. 

Related Articles

• Similac Recall: Breastfeeders, Spare Us The Sanctimony [Milky Way] (jezebel.com)
• Is Breast Really Best for Baby? (lifescript.com)
• I’m a formula feeder (theglobeandmail.com)

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Tagged: Babies, Breastfeeding, Child, Family, Infant formula, motherhood, mothers, parenting, Similac

Posted in: Amelia, baby, Eliza, epilepsy, fatherhood, me, motherhood, parenting